President Reagan drove through hell one morning. It was a fine morning. He stopped at a corner and looked around. A group of lesbians came up to him. "Where are you going?" he asked them. "We're going to Mickey Mouse's house," they said. They smiled wickedly. "We're going to sing 'Happy Birthday' to him." They grinned. One of them had big teeth.
President Reagan drove on. He was worried. He hadn't known Mickey Mouse was a lesbian. He wondered what federally funded program could be blamed for this, so he went home.
Nancy was sitting at the breakfast table with a cup of coffee and the newspaper. "Have you read the paper?" she asked. "Yes I have," he answered snappily, "and I remember every bit of it." Nancy gave him that look. There was something he meant to say to her, something about their friends. "One of them has big teeth," he said. He was confused for a moment, then made up his mind. "I always feel better after a shower," he announced and went out and got back in the car.
It was always better in the car. People had been changing the street signs, though, and the roads weren't going where he told them to. But he didn't like stopping and asking directions. People told him things he didn't understand, and it made him angry. "Damn it, I paid for this car," he said. But it was too fine a morning to be angry, so he drove on.
It was funny, but he never saw any other cars when he was out. Of course, that wasn't his fault. Nothing he could do about it. If people wouldn't drive their cars, you couldn't make them. He asked his good friend Burt Lancaster about this once. "You tried to stop everything," Burt said, "and when that didn't work, you made everything run backwards." Burt was very upset. "That's why we had to change it. That's why the people moved the roads." He had been holding a rose. Maybe it wasn't his good friend Burt Lancaster after all. Maybe it was his good friend Chuck Heston. Or that young fellow, Tom Selleck. So talented and good looking. "A magnificent animal," President Reagan said aloud.
Somewhere up ahead, he was going to have to turn around. He didn't know where, but he was going to have to turn around to go home. But he didn't like asking directions. "I'd rather make three right turns than one left!" he shouted to the wind. "Ha, ha!" Maybe he would just stay in the car, driving forever. It was always better in the car. It was always morning.